Is the Burden Built In?

There I was… Standing in front of the elementary schools 6th grade classes, with parents, teachers and administrators.

With “… And that is why I look up to my big brother.”, I finished.

It formed me, but it didn't shape me. I am designed for writing, not destined.

During the previous six weeks of school, one afternoon per week, I had gone through a drug awareness program taught by the county Sheriffs department.

Throughout the course of the program we would listen in class and fill blanks on the pages, in the booklet that we were given. At the end of the day, we would have to take the books home to complete the assignment for the next weeks course lesson.

“Draw a picture of what you would like to be when you grow up”

“Write three things you would say to a friend who would offer you drugs?”

The last assignment was to write about one person in our life and why we look up to them. Maybe the idea was to give us a someone who would help us walk through life. When we have questions about what is right and what is wrong, we might have an answer. I image most of the kids were writing about Micheal Jordan or George Bush Sr. Maybe fictional characters like Batman or Superman were relevant icons in some of my classmates lives. No matter who, we should be able to think about that person and wonder what they would do, right?

“Would Superman drink beer?” they would say.

The conscience replies “no… of course not.”

“Then I will not drink beer until I am twenty-one years of age” would be their correct response.

I, of course, had the correct perspective of this assignment. I needed to tell the most inspirational story of who I look up to, so I could win the prize and be able to speak at the programs graduation. I told of my older brother and his passion for baseball, music and the drinking and driving program he was working with. I commented on the difficulties with the life of a teenager and how, with the correct perspective, he would be able to traverse the ups and downs of high school and (like my brother) would be able to stay drug free.

I’m not sure where this motivation came from, but I think it could be that I am a writer. Perhaps it has been built into me to look at life and be able to write things that, even if what I am writing  is completely beyond my understanding, would tell a story that humans can relate to and be drawn into. If this idea is correct, then the story I am telling is the first glimpse that I can recall, of what I am good at.

I remember being told that I had the best write up for that assignment and that it would be me who was going to read my story at the graduation. We graduated the next Wednesday night and everyone was there. The Sheriff Dept. introduced the night and principal made a speech, of course… As my turn arrived, they called my name from the podium.

“Up next we would like to invite the students who best represented the goals of (..the program..) in their own words.” said the speaker. They called my name and up I went to read my story. As I finished and started on my way to sit down, amidst the applause, there was a sense in me that writing was something I could do. I had accomplished something great and it made other people happy(People like Jae;).

It isn’t for the sake of writing that I’m telling this story though. The thing that rings “true” in me is that this situation in particular helped form the direction I was going to walk from there. It could be that you knew you were going to be a teacher since you were 7 year of age and everything you did was surrounded by that. That is not the way it went for me though. It formed me, but it didn’t shape me. I am designed for writing, not destined. Which brings me back to “The Preface”. That day, stepping out of the shower, it was as if something changed in me. I went back to the day when I was told that my article was the best and I was compelled by confidence.

“You can do this” the Voice said.

I know I’m hitting the same theme from a previous post but I really believe that there are things in life that form us, but they don’t shape us. Deep motivations, within our soul, that tell us we are capable. Life has a way of strangling those motivations and we become consumed by the demands of this world that we place on ourselves.

I’ve heard it said that there is One who will give us His burden to carry because it is light and He will take our burden from us because it is heavy. What if our burden is the empire we built and demands of that world, along with all of the expectations of others and the self-sufficient attitude that comes with it? All those thing weigh us down and make us disinterested in others and disinterested in the One who gave us life.  What if His burden is what He designed us to do and His ability to teach us and provide for us along the way? What if the burden that He has for us is something easy, like

write things, take pictures, talk to people, play guitar, be a mom, be a school teacher etc… if you like doing it, that could be it.

Maybe I can look up to my big brother and the good things that he does and I can write, and become not only “myself,” but I can become who I was designed to be and the challenges will be difficult to face, but they’ll be worth the effort.

On Friendship.

“Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.” – G. Randolf

The distance between me and an old friend is as close and as far away as my keyboard

I think there is no greater despair than a life lived with no one to share in it. If an incredible opportunity presents itself, you need someone to celebrate with you. When terrible tragedy befalls you, there is no greater medicine than someone to weep with you. Sometimes the day goes long and all that is needed is someone to share an ale with. These are the types of friends that one cannot live without. They are, in the very core of our soul, the reason we survive without losing ourselves.

Perhaps you can pause for a moment and think about who would fill those shoes in your life. Is there someone to go to when you need a good laugh, or someone else that can sit with you when no one else can to let you know that tomorrow will come? Can someone tell you (and be heard) that you are messing up and something needs to change? Can you talk to the person across the table and celebrate life with conversation, sports and cheer, forgetting for the moment the troubles of the day?….  I think, perhaps if you don’t, you should do everything you can to find one. I’m not talking about finding  a husband or wife,”if the shoe fits” of course, but one of the friendship type. The person who lives their own life, but at any moment will step out of theirs and step into yours. I think it’s crucial to have this influence in our life.

Friendship has always been a difficult and sometime awkward endeavor for me though. How we make friends seems to me to stem from how we normally relate to one another, our strengths and weekness’, likes and dislikes and sometimes through trials in our life. The difficulty is there for me (I think) because I have never really been that great at relating to people. My personality lends me to get caught in my thoughts 80-90% of the time. There is little time, in my mind (literally) for friendship.

Twenty years ago, as I can recall, I was the new kid at Lakeview Elementary in my hometown. Over the summer, my family had moved just six block north, but this placed us in a different elementary school district. There I was on the first day, having walked to school alone, believing I knew what was “going on.” I was an eight year old boy walking into the school yard to see 150 kids lined up for re-entry into the school, signaling the start of the new school year, and having no clue where to go. I remember watching each teacher talking to the kids in their respective line and each one heading into the building. After just a short moment, there I was, alone, in middle of the playground. Each student had found their line, except me. My eyes began to well up as I started to realize that I had no idea where I was going or where I should be. The first thing that came to my mind was to walk home and have my mom take care of me, except she was working at her new job now. Perhaps going home is still a good idea! Perhaps not… I can’t imagine being the school secretary when a little boy walks into the office, eyes blood shot and covered in tears, backpack in hand and seeing him be alone for possibly the first time in his entire life.

Obviously, I survived my first day of third grade, but as the year went on, I don’t recall meeting anyone. Recess was a time to play, but there was no one to share it with. Up and down the slide without someone to talk to kinda takes away from the joy of it. Then, one day, I popped out from the twirly slide to see a boy standing alone along the fence line, next to a small tree. He seemed to be bouncing on something. Something drew me to him to ask him what the heck he was doing. Drawing closer, I realized he had each foot on a tree root sticking out of the ground and he was holding the tree, and he was bouncing… on the roots of the tree!

“What are you doing” I said.

“I’m bouncing” he replied, “do you wanna try?”

Assuredly I said “ok.”

Thus, a friendship was formed that would last years into high school until differences in lifestyle, mostly mine, pulled us apart. There was no magic. Nothing was shared between us that would draw us together except a short moment in time, bouncing on tree roots.

With such a simple experience, I gather that I have had potential for thousands of relationships through my lifetime, but only some have stuck. Looking back, there are friendships I have with people from my past. Friendships that I do not pursue, yet they remain. The friendship I’m talking about is the cliche’d “kind of person that no matter how long it has been since you have seen them, it is as if not a day has gone by.” My heart seems to still be attached to these people.

I have an old friend from that same 3rd grade year who ended up becoming my “best” friend through high school and could have remained so had we not lost touch after graduation. Until recently, I had not talked to him in over 7 years,  but I traveled to L.A. to attend his wedding and to be able celebrate with him the new thing going on in his life. I got 5 minutes of his time but during our conversation I found myself getting overwhelmed by how much I still cared about this person. It was as if I still knew him, and knew him well. This is an experience I have somewhat had several times, with different friends in my life.

There are people from, North Dakota, Michigan, Pennsylvania, California, England, China and others that I have known in my life whom I feel like I could talk to about anything and they would understand, because they know me. Obviously, with twitter and facebook, the distance between me and an old friend is as close and as far away as my keyboard. I can say anything over the internet, but there is an effect that only happens when you see that person face to face and the relationship takes on a life of its own.

I hate to end this with a question but I have to wonder, why is this happening? What about out of sight out of mind? Perhaps there is a bond between friends that cannot be broken, even with time and space between. To nurture the relationship would be beneficial and good, but there are friends that will not be lost. Bridges that cannot be burned. People that are impossible to forget.